Balancing the ego

The ego is the mental construct which sets us apart from other beings. It creates the sense in us that we are a distinct entity. The ego creates a separation between our selves and the rest. It is useful for protecting us and helping us to understand the world we live in. It is also, by design, just a way of viewing the world and our place within it. Some well known functions of the ego include:

• Reality Testing - The ability to distinguish what is happening in one's own mind versus the outside world.

• Impulse Control - The ability to manage impulsive behaviour.

• Affect Regulation - The ability to modulate feelings and not feel overwhelmed.

• Judgement - The capacity to plan for future scenarios and act responsibly.

• Thought processes - The ability to have independent, logical, coherent, abstract thoughts.

• Object relations - The skill to form and maintain coherent representations of others and of the self.

Source: Wikipedia 2024

Photo by Finde Zukunft on Unsplash

Most of the above are vital for our functioning. Given that the ego has the ability to position us within the world, it can do so in healthy and unhealthy ways.

A healthy ego can correctly assess one's abilities, limitations and environmental factors out of one's control. For example, an experienced football player may have a good understanding of how the team performs on a given day and place their contribution within the overall picture, neither minimising their own contribution nor attributing all the credit of a win to their own virtue. In fact, in order to maintain motivation and learn after a game, it is vital that the analysis of the match reflects reality as closely as possible, so that the relevant lessons can be learnt and the player and team can progress. Can you see the challenge with this task? The ego only partially relies on observations (what actually happened) because it is also conditioned by prior knowledge (bias). It does indeed process new information yet it does so through a lens with a filter, the filter being the accumulated opinion of itself (bias). What kinds of biases can we hold within our egos?

• Overestimated ego - This is when a person thinks very highly of themselves and their potential to change the world. This type of person can come across as arrogant or entitled, treating people with disrespect. Naturally, this leads to relationship difficulties.

• Sensitive ego - This characterises a person who has brittle self confidence. A people with a sensitive ego tends to think of life in terms of successes and failures, with the possibility of failure being more likely for them. A person may experience anxiety, self doubt and seek approval and validation from others.

• Defensive ego - This person develops an argumentative approach to life, where they react strongly if their beliefs are threatened. These people view showing vulnerability as undesirable and fear the possible consequences.

• Competitive ego - A person understands their position in the world by constantly comparing themselves to other people. This can lead to a sense of superiority or inferiority and hence a volatile emotional state.

• Identity attachment - The ego has the tendency to seek refuge in status, titles and other elusive certainties. This can also lead to inflexible thinking, judgement, resistance to change and anxiety.

• Balanced ego - An ego which closely mirrors reality. The ego's tendencies to overstate or understate one's importance in the world are neutralised and a more objective opinion of the self and self worth forms. This allows the individual to develop sustainably in time and to learn. Self confidence grows with ability. Interpersonal connections flourish and gratitude as well as humbleness are developed. Personal goals are achieved with least emotional effort.

  
  

Adapted from: Psychology Today

Can you identify with one or several types of ego? If you are having a hard time, try this ego quiz. The first step to building a balanced ego if its not already in place is understanding where the bias is. What is the ego distortion in your case?

Once you have knowledge and self awareness about your current ego state, you can start to make progress in re-balancing it. Remember, we are not fixed entities. Our personalities are dynamic and can change.

Depending on your starting point, the direction you may choose to take to rebalance your ego is different. Ultimately, the ego is trying to protect you. It is just sometimes tuned to an unhealthy state.  There are specific exercises and practices one can try in order to shift an unhelpful perspective back to a helpful one.

Observe your thought patterns

The ego is fueled by thoughts which generate an emotional response when we identify with them (pride,insecurity or another feeling). The first step is to become aware of the narrative going on in the mind. What are the triggers which create these thoughts? How did they develop? Can you write them down? Notice if you are someone who seeks validation from other people or someone who avoids engagement because of fear of embarassment? Try to see if there is a link between your thoughts and behaviours.

Challenge thought patterns

Find alternative explanations to the thought patterns identified above. Can you find a different, plausible explanation than the one you first thought of and wrote down? Is there evidence for this alternative explanation? For example, if a football player loses a game an explanation may be "The team lost because we are incompetent players". An alternative explanation may be that the team is simply tired because of the many games played in close proximity. Looking for evidence-based conclusions is advisable as it keeps us grounded in reality. Being overly positive or overly negative about an event is usually not a helpful approach long term. In the process of re-building our ego, a new voice and possibly new set of emotional states will appear. Choosing to trust these new thoughts and feelings will take time and can be done in steps. Ultimately, a transition is successful if we feel confortable with the new way of thinking.

Identify directions for growth

Is your ego stopping you from achieving something, like a closer relationship based on shared vulnerability, a new job or a new hobby? Understanding how the ego is limiting you in the present, and what you can achieve by modulating it, is likely to help you find the motivation and energy to tackle this hard challenge. Remember, for positive changes in life to happen they need to be preceded by emotional growth, which in turn is preceded by emotional awareness.