Navingating conflict with another

In life sometimes we encounter people whose speech and behaviour trigger past trauma in ourselves or simply offend us. How should we approach such situations for emotional growth and reduction of overall suffering? There is no prescriptive answer yet I will outline a couple of points to be mindful of if we experience this situation in life.

Photo by Johann Walter Bantz on Unsplash

Firstly, understand what is challenging about the interaction between the two of you. At first glance, we may be temped to attribute all the blame to the other person. This sort of polarisation needs exploration. It has happened to me to look at another person as the sole responsible in a conflict. However, upon deeper inspection, I found out that part of me was also contributing to the conflict, that I was accountable for my insecurities and vulnerabilities. That part of me urged me to attack, to respond to a situation reactively and to view the other person as threatening. It is apparent to me now that emotions can cloud the mind and not allow us to interpret a situation objectively. What can help in situations when we experience conflict?

Ask questions such as:

“What feelings and thoughts does the conflict evoke in me?”

“What do I resist in the other person?”

Once we have answers to the above, we can start to construct a picture in terms of a trigger and receiver of negativity. Let’s imagine a quality of the other person as a trigger. It needs a fertile receptive ground for it to land and flower within your heart. Although painful, this experience teaches us that we may have work to do. We have either not healed from a past trauma or harbour some form of unprocessed feelings or hostile tendencies, which resurface in the interaction between the two of you. Remember that you always have the choice to use acceptance, to not interact with the feelings which bubble to the surface and reduce your levels of suffering. On many occasions, this may be the best approach. Non-reactivity and understanding have the capacity to repair relationships after conflict, or at least to bring peace to your wounded heart. Another approach to is to look for the seed of positivity in the other person and focus on that. Can you think of occasions when the other person has helped you, been generous or been aligned with you on one of your other values? When in conflict with someone, the brain has the tendency to neglect evidence against the point the emotional brain is making. This is why it requires conscious effort to source alternative evidence. If this line of thinking appeals to you, you can take it further and think how can you help a person who has unhealthy behaviours and values realise that? In this situation, you turn the problem around. From being the victim, you become the protagonist for positive change, which is empowering.

Photo Paul Green on Unsplash.