Dissociating achievement and self-worth for enhanced health

In my early childhood, I made the choice of associating self-worth with achievement. If this was a conscious decision, it was made such a long time ago that the precise moment when it happened eludes me. I must have noticed that I get positive reactions from my parents and family members when I achieve certain results and behave in certain ways. How exactly the association between self-worth, making others happy and achievement developed in me is still a mystery. Interestingly, I am not alone in developing contingent self-esteem.

Contingent self-esteem is characterized as “a domain or category of outcomes on which a person has staked his/her self-esteem, so that person's view of his/her value or worth depends on perceived successes or failures or adherence to self-standards in that domain" [1].

For the majority of my life, I adopted contingent self-esteem thinking towards academic achievement. This is likely because, as a child and young adolescent, it was my way to make my parents and relatives happy, a way to stand out. I made the association that in order to merit the love of those around me I had to perform academically. This striving is routed in aversion to disappointing other people and myself. It is also linked in associating fulfilment with performance.

Photo by National Cancer Institute on Unsplash

In time, I realised how unhealthy contingent self esteem is and well-being research supports this finding. Research amongst high school students suggests a strong inverse correlation between happiness and contingent self esteem [2].  Quoting the research paper:

"Students with contingencies of self-worth try to gain approval from others and prove their competence. They use their school work to prove their own value. So, they will do more to get academic achievement, but they may not be happy."

The study also found that, while high levels of contingent-self esteem correlate with high levels of academic achievement, they also correlate with low levels of happiness. This research corroborates my life experiences. Using contingent-self esteem makes one's confidence brittle and dependent on seeking constant validation. What are alternatives to contingent self-esteem and can one develop alternative thinking strategies?

Recent research in college students suggests that self-compassion, either as a stable personality trait or a learned coping strategy, has the power to transform the suffering deriving from contingent self-esteem into well-being [3]. Self compassion, as defined by American psychologist Kristin Neff [4], comprises of three main elements, namely self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

• self-kindness: being loving and kind towards oneself when encountering pain and personal shortcomings, rather than ignoring them or engaging in self-criticism.

• common humanity: recognising the imperfections of life are part of the human experience and sharing what happens to us without isolating.

• mindfulness: the ability to stay present and recognise our emotional states and their transient nature. Mindfulness allows one to keep a balanced perspective when experiencing strong positive or negative emotions. Mindfulness is a non-judgemental, receptive mind state to what is happening in the present moment. It has the power to free us from indulging in rumination caused by a negative emotional response and from the elation of a positive emotional experience.

From my personal experience, by cultivating self-kindness I have been able to step out a competitive, results-driven mindset into a more tolerant, acceptant mindset. I find myself resisting the present moment on far fewer occasions and experiencing higher levels of gratefulness and life satisfaction. This blog is an attempt to express common humanity. By writing about my experiences, I am uplifted and gratified, hoping that this blog benefits others as well as myself. I practice mindfulness meditation daily and am able to find more mental clarity and engage less in ruminating thoughts. My feelings have become more clear to me

and are of reduced intensity. While I still catch myself thinking in terms of contingent self-esteem, I no longer wholehearted believe this discourse and appreciate life for its wide ranging set of experiences and for the opportunity to develop as an individual and to contribute to something bigger than the self in a balanced way.

[1] Crocker, Jennifer, and Connie T. Wolfe. ‘Contingencies of Self-Worth’. Psychological Review 108, no. 3 (2001): 593–623. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-295X.108.3.593.

[2] The Relationship between Contingencies of Self Worth and Happiness with Academic Achievement of High School Male Students’. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/369220073_The_Relationship_between_Contingencies_of_SelfWorth_and_Happiness_with_Academic_Achievement_of_High_School_Male_Students.

[3] ‘Self-Compassion Moderates the Effect of Contingent Self-Esteem on Well-Being: Evidence from Cross-Sectional Survey and Experiment’. International Journal of Mental Health Promotion 26, no. 2 (8 March 2024): 117–26. https://doi.org/10.32604/ijmhp.2023.045819.

[4] Neff Kirstin D. ‘The Development and Validation of a Scale to Measure Self-Compassion’. Self and Identity 2, no. 3 (1 July 2003): 223–50. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309027.