A Wholesome Approach to Relationships

Relationships can broadly be defined as sustained interactions over a period of time between individuals, or between an individual and an object or place. Relationships can elicit many emotional states, such as harmony, love, frustration, antagonism, hatred and many others. How can one navigate relationships and nurture them into fulfilling experiences? A relationship can be based around a shared interest, a common goal or life plan. Regardless of what the premise is, a relationship will flourish if the following building blocks are in place.

Relating to others with Humility

The first step is to acknowledge our own imperfections and other people's too. This starting point is one of humility. We, human beings, are not perfect and that's something for us to accept and live with. Given our imperfections, it is natural that our relationships will also reflect our intrinsic imperfections. This principle is one to come back to in difficult moments during a relationship, which inevitably arise from time to time, especially if the relationship is a long term one, such as a friendship, a working relationship or a romantic relationship. Having the flexibility of mind to accept that in certain situations our needs will not be perfectly met by another person is a healthy realisation. Ultimately, we are not the centre of the world, nor do we decide how others act, think or feel. Other people have their set of values and views, by which they act and it is good to acknowledge and accept them.

Being supportive

As a friend, colleague or partner, it is important to be there for the other person in a non-judgmental way. As life events occur to the other person, we can easily fall into habits of appearing smart with phrases such as "I told you so." or "It was obvious you weren't going to succeed in that". In reality, what we are doing when we pronounce these phrases is just acknowledging our superiority with respect to the other person. What the person actually needs in times when they are challenged and uncertain is a way to put context to the situation, to draw lessons from it and to release the emotional tension associated with it. If you can help another person with these tasks, then you are there for them wholeheartedly and are truly helping them. This can be done by showing compassion for their feelings and helping them find other ways of viewing the challenges they face, which they may have initially branded as a mistake or failure on their part.

Finding joy in each interaction

Positive feelings are underneath the surface of our consciousness for all of us. It is about how we relate to a situation that determines our emotional response to it. We need a bit of awareness and the right attitude to treat others kindly and respectfully, without getting blinded by desires to impress or judge them or ourselves. If we notice our thoughts drifting towards a judgmental attitude towards ourselves or the other person, we can simply notice that tendency and re-concentrate on what is happening in the present. If we find that we want to impress the other person then this is probably coming from an internal insecurity of ours and a desire to seek external validation. Again, we can acknowledge that desire and not act on it, returning to the present moment. Only by being balanced in each moment can we be truly there for ourselves and for the other person. If we are able to manage the above forces, we will likely experience a flow of conversations and experiences, as well as feelings of joy, connectedness and love in the moment.

Managing emotional attachment

Emotional attachment is our emotional state is governed by someone or something external to ourselves. This may happen when we attach importance to the opinion of a colleague or boss about our work, when we place some happiness in the hands of a partner or the opinion of a friend. Firstly, it is important to realise what we are emotionally attached to and the level of attachment.

Tip: Make a list of objects and people you are emotionally attached to. Rank them in order of importance to you and specify what feelings arise with each item on list.

In reality, most of us experience some level of emotional attachment to events, people, places and objects in our lives. Human beings derive a lot of life meaning and satisfaction from healthy emotional attachment. Emotional attachment only becomes a problem if it leads to high levels of suffering. The scale of suffering for each individual is different so it is important to draw your own conclusions rather than learn from others. Some level of suffering in life is inevitable yet one can always choose to reduce their levels of suffering if one wishes to do so. How can this be achieved?

Making a conscious decision to reduce an attachment is the first step in the process. Once this decision is made, the latter stages follow. Setting boundaries on the amount of exposure to the object of desire is a healthy step. The next step is dealing with the thoughts of attachment, which cause suffering. Mindfulness meditation, professional therapy and practicing letting difficult feelings and thoughts go [1] are powerful tools to help you overcome high levels of emotional attachment.

It is possible that we realise that we have a healthy level of emotional attachment to the world around us, after completing the above exercise. In this case, this acknowledgement is useful for us to treasure and keep that balance going forward.

Dealing with hatred, judgement and anger

Feelings of hatred, of resentment and of non-letting go of the past can harm yourself and relationships, long after a triggering event occurs. Our minds have the capacity to be argumentative and replay conversations and events. This in turn incites an emotional response in us and gives the thoughts more fuel. It is exactly this fuel which these destructive thoughts need to keep coming back to our consciousness and to stay there. Remember that when we are replaying the past, we lose consciousness, we lose contact with the present and numb our feelings, lessening our current experience. Hence, transforming feelings of hatred, judgement and anger into equanimity is desirable, especially for ourselves. When we engage in destructive commentary in our minds, the only person directly suffering is ourselves. In certain situations these feelings can spill into actions of hostility which further exacerbate our emotional disturbance. How can these difficult emotions be transformed? Emotional aversion, much like emotional attraction can be neutralised by first being acknowledged. Acknowledge if such thoughts and feelings are present and surface in our consciousness from time to time.

Tip: Make a list of people, objects or places that trigger aversion in you. Rank them on a scale and notice which emotion appears in each case.

If the intensity of aversion is strong, then there are ways of transforming it into equanimity. Just as with excessive attachment, feelings of aversion can be overcome by meditation, professional therapy and by practicing to let them go.

Reflective journaling can also help to track how the discourse evolves over time and to distance ourselves from it.

Once again, it may be that we are by nature not prone to aversion or hatred. In this case, the exercise above will highlight this tendency of ours and we will have gained some self-insight from doing it.

The above are a set of principles to follow when relating to relationships with people, objects and places. Following these approaches has helped me to overcome difficulties and find forgiveness, as well as to establish positive relationships in life, which is why I share them here. I encourage you to post your own strategies or inspirations in the comments section of the blog for the benefit of all the readers.

[1] Psych Central. ‘How to Heal Unhealthy Attachments: Identifying Signs and Letting Go’, 20 August 2012. https://psychcentral.com/blog/healing-unhealthy-relationship-attachments.